mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
