This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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