No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
