Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
