I like to think it a success when the cops are called
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
