You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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