i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
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