so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
