Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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