I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
