i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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