You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
