He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
zippers are such a cool invention
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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