How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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