I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
