Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
