I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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