ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
