Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
