The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
