no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
