On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
