Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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