Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
