I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
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I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.