Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.