Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
