If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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