im gay
i know
yea but for you.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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