i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
