You can't special order awesome
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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