even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.