so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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