He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
