My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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