Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
