We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
