gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
