she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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