Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
