I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
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Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
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I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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