I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
