I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
