I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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