I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
thus making me awesome and them whores
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
