just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
