My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Enjoy the penises
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
