I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
