What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
