Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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