Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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