Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
