My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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