he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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