i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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