my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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