winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
